Pirate

I once saw a Pirate in the canal. I'll let that sink in.

He was doing the breast stroke, I think. He had a hat, waistcoat, eyepatch and stripy top. He splashed about in the grey brown water for a while, whilst his young non-pirate friends hollered and jeered from their canal boats. After a minute the friends laughs and calls tailed off and he was just a daft man in pirate costume that was about to get a terrible case of diarrhoea.


He swam to the bank and struggled to get up onto dry land. No one helped him as they had all lost interest and were back drinking and swearing at people. I stopped my bike next to his scrabbling hands to help him out, and for one short moment, as my eyes met his eye, we both knew that he would probably do something that stupid again in a pathetic attempt to impress his friends. 

That's just what us clowns are like.

It's hard to be ignored.

Death

I have seen a lot of dead stuff. Squashed dead stuff, twitchy dead stuff, dead stuff at a tube station bleeding all over the platform, dead stuff that had other dead stuff piled on top of it into a massive pile o' death. I once saw a Badger on my way home from work that I thought was sleeping everyday by the side of the road. Every day I would see it and each day it grew fatter. "There's one Badger that's finding plenty to eat each night and then coming back to the same spot to sleep each day!" I would cheerily shout to myself as I passed it. It got to a crazy mental size, then the next day it must have eaten something explosive because it had popped and badger bits were everywhere. Strange.....


BUT! I have never seen something die. Never seen the light, then the brains, go out of it's eyes, well not until tonight I had not, I hadn't.


I was making my way down one of my least favourite roads, journeying home, when I saw a skanky old rodent with big ears hopping about in the middle of the lane of carnage. This bit of highway is very thin, passing for People in Cars is hard as they have to scrape their way past me as fast as they can and narrowly avoid the People in Cars coming the other way by pushing me further into the two and a half metre stone wall that supports the railway running along side of the road. Anyway, this floppy-eared fuckwit was just hopping around like the road was Mr. McGregor's garden. I immediately started to slow so as to not hurt the dopey sniffler and tried to flag the People in Cars queuing behind me down. I'm guessing my random hand-flaps were interpreted in a different way to that which they were intended.


The engine pitch of the car behind me raised to a Nazgul scream and then it Millenium Falcon-ed past me. One of the cars tyres went slippety slappety bang right over the middle of my new best friend. In slow motion Rabbit's eyes widened and kept on widening. Its mouth opened in what I thought at first to be shock, but as it happens it turned out to be the outlet for most of Rabbit's insides. Blood, little though it was, splashed onto my top-of-the-range Gore-tex water and windproof trousers. The car moved on, and Rabbit was released. It's outstretched arms relaxed and it's head lolled to one side. Then the rear tyre went over it.


As I stood there looking down in horror, fear and despair, People in Cars driving past me, some avoiding Rabbit, some not, some beeping me, some swearing at me, I saw Rabbit turn into nothing more than a greasy black stain on the asphalt. Once all the People in Cars had gone and I was left alone, I put my feet on my pedals and rode off.


Boy, that was B L E A K.

Here's a video of a drawing I did with my pens that My Therapist said would be good for me to do.

CAUTION

Nothing weird to report at all for such a long time, I'm starting to get suspicious. I mean, I have almost been flattened a few times and I got chased by a really vicious dog this morning, but nothing out of the ordinary there. 

What have the Things got planned for me? Is it something so terrible that it is taking a long while to put together the logistics of the event? Fear is building like a demented Lego house being put together by a kid who is jamming spiders between every brick, ready to be released on the unsuspecting parent (me) at any time that I decide I can't look at that crazy rattling Lego house any more. 

Best be at my most cautious...