About Me: The Oddfather Part II

When I came to, I was looking up into the old eyes of a wizened old eyed man who's wizened old eyes were looking down at me. Sheeeeeet, I thought, had I been partying at the old peoples home last night and got lucky again?

"You've had a nasty shock, see, we better get outta here before Flatso and his gang of hoodlums return, see, come back to my place and have some caw-fee." the old geezer croaked in a broad Bronx accent.

I got to my feet and looked down the street in which I was standing when I stood up from being horizontal on the sidewalk to a standing position that was vertical. The street was typical of something you might see in an old gangster film like the Untouchables, or Home Alone, and was full of gangsters and gangster's moles out doing their usual gangster stuff, walking aimlessly about, yelling at cabbies to "Follow dat car!", shouting "Wiseguy, eh?" at passing seagulls, and shooting stuff for money.

"Hey I know you, you're some old geezer I just met, lets go back your place." I had completely forgotten about the Seed 'n' Throw and the other robot thing, but they were quite a weak joke at best, so I let it slide.

Back at the old geezers gaff, a nicely proportioned hovel on the west side of town, he showed me something which really excited me. "Wow that is incredible! It's so large and shiny, I can't wait to have a go on that, and ride it and ride it! Oh yeeeaaahhhh!" It was not his cock, like you were thinking, but an amazingly AWSOME top-of-the-range Pedelec bicycle, the Kalkhoff Pro Connect S.

"Your father wanted you to have this, but your Uncle Pokey didn't want you to have it, see. He thought you might follow me off on some "damn fool adventure, ya jive ass fool!", see."

"You knew my father?" I blurted out like bullets from a tommy gun.

"No, but I stole his bike."

I soon left that place and took my first ride off on the super bike of all super bikes. It was amazing, like riding on a cloud of fairy corpses. I thought I would use it to show Flatso and his gang who was boss and maybe take over this city by muscling in on their action and stuff. It wasn't long before I arrived at their evil crime den of evil evil and crime, the speakeasy called The Tree-of-Ultimate-Cweepiness. I burst through through the doors, squishing the huge doorsquirrel, and shone my £300 Hope Vision4 around the evilly cavorting evil room of evil crime. The 1000 lumen light shone on a scene of debauched horror that filled me with fear and despair as I watched squirrels, sitting on tiny chairs with little glasses of booze in their hands watching some other squirrels on stage dance suggestively, waving their tails around in a suggestive manner that suggested they rather wanted squirrel sex with some other squirrels. The way they were grabbing their nuts was just horrific.


At a table at the front I saw Flatso, crimelordsquirrel of roaring 20's New York.

He wasn't so flat back then.

"Hey, Flatso! Your time as boss of the Canal Path is over! I'm the new guy in town and I'm taking you downtown, all the way ya hear, this town is no town for the likes of you, it's a town more suited to the likes of me and not you, ya hear?!"


"You're too late, Person on a Bicycle, by now my goons have probably smashed up your goat farm, stolen your farm machinery, recovered the stolen data tapes, and set fire to your Mom and Uncle Pokey! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHHAHAH!" Flatso screeched.


"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooo!" I screamed as I fell of something. I whizzed out of that place of evil as fast as I could, and even though that incredible bike was giving me a top speed in excess of 35mph by the time I made it back to the farm on the mountainside, I was too late, Flatso's evil prediction had come true. The farm look even more of a shithole than usual, with everyone far crispier than I remembered.


As I was sitting there, tears dribbling down my face onto the handle bars of my incredible future bike, I noticed a rugged man, a tall elf and a stout dwarf running across the hill, they seemed to be chasing a large group of foul smelling Uruk-Hai carrying something that looked a bit like a deer/alien hybrid. I pulled myself together and decided to follow them........................